On the way to work is when I usually do these blogs, at a god forsaken time on a Saturday morning. It's my time where I have to do absolutely nothing and I'm going to a place where I enjoy :)
As you can tell from my paragraph just there; I'm in a reasonably good mood! wheeey noise inserted here
I dunno.. parents seem to be parenting less, teachers seem to be teachering less and just give us loads of revision to do, drama seems to be dramaing a little bit less but every little helps, right?
I just have had this fear imprinted in my chest since Wednesday. So I talked about it to my Skype friend, Patrick.
Basically, since about then, I was getting ready to have a shower and was debating philosophical shit like what's my purpose. And I was looking at things like well a dog only lives 20 years and I was watching 999: What's Your Emergency? Before the shower and I was debating how early people die and such. But yeah.. then I suddenly got hit in the chest with this thought. Woah. I'm going to die. And there's absolutely NOTHING I can do about it. It might seem stupid but imagine actually properly sitting there on a random floor and thinking about it. Like properly. So I was practically hyperventilating in fear because that's a fucking SCARY thought. Even if sometimes I don't want to be <>me, life is a good thought. We're so free. I have friends. Family. Things to do. People to love and hate. Ugh
So I started crying
Yep. In the middle of the bathroom. Then I went and had my shower and talked to Patrick and felt better, because it's not just me who has these thoughts. He does too. So yay :D
Rewind toooo the day before (oh wait talking to P must've been Thursday bc this was definitely Wednesday) most of my year was on a Geography trip, and I didn't want to go bc revision (or lack of) so I stayed behind, but because I had geography first I effectively had a free, so I popped up to the library with my friend and caught up on other Geography work because I'd missed Friday's lesson (speaking exams)
So me and my friend Rebecca (eff fake names nobody reads this xD) were just sitting there and I notice a guy in my year (new by our standards) sitting at the other side of the room. Now, I've had a conversation or two with him, and me and Kennedy thinks he looks like the carbon copy of Chesney off Eastenders but with browny hair instead, so whenever I see him in the corridor I say 'Hey Chesney!' And we have banter
But yeah, so me and Rebecca were harmlessly getting on with work (I'm listening to the killers and I was then too :O) then on my iPhone I get a message off Fraser
I wanna quote this
Omg whilst I'm waiting for the beginning of the conv to run I see the running joke about the llama guy sitting in front of him, quoting the Spice Girls song, and how little work we'd done because we spent the entire hour inboxing
Oh my days we were talking about Shrek and him penetrating Fraser with onions ahahaha look up Shrek is love Shrek is life it's amazing
And we had a lot of sex scenarios in our conversation, where I mentioned his 1-incher (not true I don't reckon) and my 24-incher and the fact that because my Chuck Norris condoms ran out I'm using Nicholas Cage ones
Oh so apparently he started the conversation with 'u smell' so I basically said 'Stfu Chesney' and he goes 'come at me bitch' and oh god it was just the best conversation ever and it lasted about an hour and it was basically a pisstake on sex and I mentioned his gang in McDonalds who me and Kennedy see every time we have a hangover (I once gave him a quid to get a burger at 9am and instead he brought out a drink and got out a packet of 4 doughnuts from Pound Bakery HAHAHAHA) oh no I need to go soon I'd best get to the point
The first hint was him basically saying oh I don't have a gang I don't like them
So we had sparse conversation until I got home including the fire alarm that ran into lunch and he was like oh shit, have to go, talk to you later so I didn't reply bc evil xD
Turns out he did message me later which wasn't what I was expecting but yeah. I was probably playing Fable but I think he messaged me at about 7pm? Until about 12:30am when I promised myself and Lewis I think that I'd get an early night, and kinda blew off conversation with Lewis oh.
Basically it started off banterous when he mentioned the sexiness of the fat old chicks at the yoga next door
But I don't know, as the conversation progressed I don't even know how it happened I'll check later
I started going all psychoanalyst. WHY DO I DO THIS EVERY TIME I HAVE A NEW FRIEND
I did this with someone called Connor who an hour later said he had feelings for me um :/ not going there again Mr. Lives-In-South-West-And-Known-A-Day.
Anyway
So I guessed bc he was kicked out of his old school and seemed to have a lot of friends that he didn't care about us and wanted to go back
Partially true, he wants to get rid of his own school. Doesn't care about this school, doesn't trust anyone, doesn't care about anyone except this one person.
The person who wasn't his girlfriend. He was with her pretty much because she's good fun and treats blowjobs like handshakes
But yeah erm he trusts this girl called Lucy and I kinda ship them is that mean? The way he spoke about her was cute though
I'd never seen them talking but oh well, he says he can't get the girls because he talks to them and they think he's a freak (he's a funny freak and it's not like he's unattractive I mean rly)
But yeah earlier he was trying to figure out how easy it would be to get into my pants but I quickly dismissed him on that bc OH THAT'S HOW WE GOT THERE I literally went oh you can have any girl srs and he's like well no oh oh Ich bin genius
Anyway, so he ended up talking about a lot of things, his insecurity.. and I might just paste the conversation because why the eff not
But not now because I've been typing on my phone for 23 minutes and I'm nearly at work oh xD
NICE TO CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS. I'VE BEEN MY NORMAL SELF FOR ONCE. HOYAAAAAAA.
C x

I could give you a rundown on Saturday's trip from Kennedy's POV as I reeeaaalllyy want to sleep so here:
''Well.
-We played Never Have I Ever so I was drinking quite a bit quite quickly
-I was struggling to sit up after about 15 minutes and I had to like literally cling to Callum to stay up
-Everything started to feel really distant and everything was quiet and echo-y so I thought I was dead or at least like passed out or something and I got quite scared ngl, like I was tripping
-I started talking about how I was really tired but really horny at the same time oh god
-After a while me & Callum went into our tent and erm, 'stuff happened' but I was being embarrassingly loud and John kept telling me to shut up
-We thought it'd be funny to walk out of the tent naked/partially clothed, I have no idea why
-Later on I was talking to John about orgasm problems and he decided the best way to sort it would be to have a gangbang (which never actually happened thank god)
-I'd sobered up a bit at this point and to save everyone else's embarrassment I won't go into details about what they did but I did end up stepping in puke
-We all went to sleep and I stole Callum's clothes and used his warmer sleeping bag rather than mine because I'm a bitch
AND THEN IN THE MORNING SOME WOMAN FROM A REFORMATION CHURCH SAW ALL OUR EMPTY BOOZE BoTTLES/CANS AND TOLD US WE HAD TO GO TO CHURCH TO ''REPENT OUR SINS" OMFG.''
I'll just comment on parts of her answer
- there was also a lot of sick. Okay, they had sex, which was lovely. Before the reformation church there was this woman who told us to 'clear all your crap up' and she was absolutely sound. not ugh COLDEST FUCKING NIGHT IN THE WORLD I FELT LIKE JACK OFF TITANIC. I bonded with John and Emma and tbh the coldest person towards me there was Callum. Dickwad. Me and Kennedy, me and Helena and me and Emma had heart to hearts and me, John and Helena were singing Bohemian Rhapsody then John gave me his jumper which I still had on in the morning, which he got pissed off at me for keeping (HELLO I WAS DRUNK) and he called me a bitch for stealing a Coco Pops cereal bar. Whoops ;3 I got sick all over my converse so now they're just hiding in the wash and I cba dealing with them
Yup. Gearing myself up to do work tomorrow. Just sent Adam off to sleep because he needs to sort out his sleeping pattern and I'm going to get some sleep at a reasonable hour (seeing as I was up at um, 6am then went to bed until 11) and get some sleep. Everyone's at work/school so it's a pretty much free for all day FUCK YES.
Mmm great stuff. Right. I'm getting delusional with tiredness so a very good night to you xx

I'm sort of normal for a change. Sort of.

As a result, why can I never actually think of anything to say when I actually come to it? I have all my shirts/t-shirts/jumpers etc on my floor, sorted into three piles: t-shirts/shirts, jumpers and misc. This is kinda part of my like.. identity change I don't know. I want to be different from what I am now; C isn't good enough the way she is.

I'm going to dye my hair a dramatic colour asap:')

I know, rebel me. You know, until just now, I didn't doubt my looks per se, I just doubted my weight. No matter how many reassurances I get of it, I fucking know, I am FAT. What. The. Fuck. Is. Your. Point? I'm sick of it now. I did try to be happy and not let it get to me but as soon as something touches my lips I keep on thinking 'Ugh should I be eating this?' and I end up doing so anyway because I have shite willpower and then I feel super guilty but I end up eating more. Total sense there. It just.. results in gain and I'm not happy with it. But now I look at myself, I don't know, I always figured that I wasn't exactly Emma Watson, Evanna Lynch or Mila Kunis, but I'd say I was pretty-ish.

I just looked at myself and I no longer believe this.

My lips are too wide, they could be slightly plumper but no. I thought my nose was fine but it seems pointy and meh. In fact, the only thing I like about my face are my eyes. I do like them, but they don't make up for the rest of the shit. xD 

and whilst I usually have fairly smooth skin, I erm, don't. And my hair seems shit and pointless and I'm generally mixed with feelings of shittiness and I feel like I've entered a sort of rut. Which I'm finding is why I'm branching out to this new side. I'm not sure if I can properly trust A-B-S-O-L-U-T-E-L-Y--A-N-Y-O-N-E at the moment which kinda sucks erm:/ so I can't particularly go up to someone and go 'Look man, I need help. I feel like a b c d e f oh shit run out of letters. 

It just doesn't happen.

I also want a dramatic change in wardrobe but then I stop myself and think 'Am I going to ruin my individuality if I do this? Am I just trying to live up to a stereotype?' I just.. I just don't know. I mean, I like the scene/emo type hair and clothes (and I like my hair backcombed) and I just.. I feel like I'll get sucked into that niche if I'm not careful. I like being me. I like being a bit different to everyone else but I feel like I'm just getting as attention seeking as everyone else on the internet.

This is so because I have no hobby, I swear.

But yeah, my mind is near-constantly thinking ahead to the next time I can get drunk. Which, to be fair, is few and far between. I just.. it all goes away for a bit, you know? This worry about failing and the stress and worry and states I get myself into and I can have fun without thinking about what-ifs and the like, I mean, yeah. If I was going to be in something like the Hunger Games, I'd be Haymitch. I swear to fucking lord. I wish I could be strong like Johanna but I seriously doubt it, or I'd go down the Annie route. I kind of feel like I'm going down the Annie route ahahahahaha.

Also, I feel like I'm changing. And not in a good way. Like, the other day I met this girl from primary school. Obviously she's in my year now, jesus xD but yeah, she acted really fake and like my 'best friend'. And I did it back, and I barely know her and idk she seems a bit like my polar opposite. anyway, I went to her house and I let her make me over. I looked orange and I posed for her stupid photos and did stupid videos and I felt like I was going in a fucking persona. HI THIS ISN'T ME ANYMORE, I MAY AS WELL BE CALLED FUCKING KIMBERELY for all the good it does geeeeeeee.

I should just act. Wow, to think I started this in a not-so-bad mood :P I've been watching Phil videos today when I haven't been with my friend; I can act normal with her. Well, slightly insane, it felt like I was putting on a persona for the people she knew but the people I don't know oh so particularly well. I don't know :l

Is it weird that I ask for just.. someone to understand? Like.. this kind-of Facebook famous person posted this (I'll need to find it):

"Perks of being in a relationship:

- cuddles 
- kisses
- watching movies 
- play fights 
- tickle fights
- cute texts 
- late night phonecalls
- surprise visits 
- inside jokes
- pictures 
- days out
- anniversaries
- presents 
- butterflies 

Perks of being single:
- don't have to share my bed or food.

Yeah, I want a boyfriend."

- This is pretty much me, too. I've let go some pretty awesome people but it's for their own good, and mine. Long distance doesn't work, less attentive people don't work, you need someone who actually appreciates you and can cuddle you when you need it. Chances are, when you find that person, you'll treat them like.. you'll take them for granted. And that kind of sucks. Like, fuck yeah,

Chris. I hope you realised what you fucking missed when you stopped talking to me. Yeah, it hurt, but thank you. I don't fall hard anymore.

Josh, sorry I've been not the nicest person ever to you. I let you let me go because that was the best thing for both of us. I'm guessing you're happier and that girl you met, it's really nice. I miss our conversations sometimes. God, I'm going to start crying if I'm not careful. I need to get this stuff off my chest.

Danny, sorry you got rejected by that girl. She doesn't know what she's missing. Even though we only have a laugh, I know a girl would be fucking lucky to have you. Thanks for being there to help with my languages. I really appreciate it.

Indie, thanks for being like a brother to me. I know we did a stupid thing a few weeks ago but our friendship goes way past that and I love you for it, bro.

Kennedy, jesus. Where do I start? Yeah, it fucking hurt when you went out with Callum. Sure, of course it would. But you two are so happy and I wish I hadn't been like that. I was just crushed.

Katie? You're supposed to be my best friend. Fuck jesus shit. Telling my secret to everyone because I wouldn't betray Helena's secret? I don't think I'll ever get over that. I cannot trust you again. Maybe in time I will, but that was an utter dick move.

Mike. I finally, finally confessed my biggest lie to you that I've had since I was 12. You took it quite well, even though you don't speak to me anymore. Awkward. At least I can sleep better at night knowing I've finally confessed up. We really fucked up my parents' trusts heheh. Oh well.

Helena? I've been a shit friend to you in the past. but really? You're the only friend that has always, always, alwaaaays had my back. And I love you for it, I genuinely do. Fucking hell, you're going to make tomorrow the best amount of fun I've had in ages.

Ridah. My fangirl best friend. That's it. I love that you understand when I get teary eyed over the Hunger Games or Harry Potter or LOTR and I'm crying oh shit jesus this will be the longest post ever.

JORDAN. My friend, my HP nerd friend, my straight-gay-best-friend. You're amazing. <3

Rob. God, I might message you now. You're another guy who has been so, so nice to me. I don't deserve it. I've pushed you as much as I pushed Josh away jesus fuck, except you never had a go at me. Not ever. You patiently waited it out and you deserve all the happiness you have and I wish I could meet you one day because I'd just hug you lots and lots and kittens. ;3

Callum? Break Kennedy's heart and I'll break your fucking dick. You were a bit of an idiot to me in all respect, but I can move past that. I think if we hadn't have been together then we could've been good friends. Maybe we still can be.

Hamaad. Aw, you're a bit mixed, aren't you? I remember you were there when I broke up with Callum and you said you'd kill him when I started crying:') that was really sweet. You've been there when I needed you (most of the time) and I wish you all the best with Olivia you lovely person:*

Adam? I underappreciate you too. I'm sorry. I really would like to meet you one day. I don't need to say how much you mean to me as I'm sure you know deep down anyway. We've known each other so long now:')

Craig. Pretty much the same, but you do so much more in your own way. You're always complimenting me and it helps me in so many ways, even though it isn't true haha.

Ben? I wish we talked, but I guess we don't now. James? Ditto. You guys used to be my two big brothers I could depend on. I guess circumstance changed that; you don't have time for me anymore. It's okay, though. I love you both.

John. Hah. Fuck you now. We used to be really close but you've stopped contact with me for no reason twice then. Big fat fuck you there and a slap in the face if I ever saw one. You did, however, introduce me to 'My Horse' or Look at my horse, can't think of the song name

Mikey? Aw, the Ika to my Silv. You irish tit<3 Ily. xx

Matt? We don't talk but I treated you quite badly. I still knew you for an incredibly long time and I feel like if we started talking again it'd be like we never stopped talking, my best friend. I smile so much thinking about you. It's nice.

VICKY. I'm gonna start crying again oh I don't get on with girls over the internet but you were something else. I didn't like you at first but you're special and I hope your boyfriend sees that, you're beautiful. Inside and out.

Xandro? <3.

Mike (Matthews, I know too many Michaels) you don't come on Skype but I could have such a good time with you. Right now, you easily top James. I feel like I need to visit Wales for you and I swear I'll put up with a zillion sheep to order pizza with you. ;3 

Joey? There are stuff that I can't even put in my deepest thoughts and privacy. Hahahha. Oh, Joey. The flirtatious one, but harmless. I don't talk to you so much now but when I do I'm happy to. I used to talk to you 24/7 when I first got my iPod and Skype all those years ago (well, about 2-3 but still).

Josh Davis, I haven't done you have I. Good laugh, some idiotic times when we've fought over the silliest of things but we both share a love for An Idiot Abroad and I wrote you a song for your birthday which I still have on my iPod because I'm a good friend yo'

This was actually quite soul cleansing. It's a shame they'll never see it, really. They've all impacted on my life in a good way. They have. I swear. Each one taught me something different or even something the same. They helped me become the person I am today and for that I am immensely grateful. I'm not sure what I'd ever have done without them. I love you guys. x

Isn't it weird how you get the craziest thoughts in the shower?

I wish there was a way to record exactly what you're thinking at that moment. That'd be quite cool, wouldn't it? Then I wouldn't be putting this down on paper and making it distorted, stupid, idiotic. You name it; I am it.

Like the title? It's simple, like it should be. It's actually a song, called Lullaby by Nickelback. I recommend it to my friends whenever they're down and every single one, aside from one, said it made them cry and thanked me profusely. It made me cry when my friend recommended it and I'm listening to it right now. If I listen to the lyrics properly, who knows? I might break down again. Heheheh

I'm not sure what to write. I'm an English freak, I love my writing. Words can empower so many people; I have such a passion for it. However, I have so much to say but no structure. I can imagine my English teacher in all her Italianesque glory ranting at me for not having a plan. Hah I love her so much, it sucks I can't have her next year. Damn.. I'm not getting emotional over that.

So.. school's been off since Friday. I was off last Wednesday, went in Thursday (which was quite fun), then it was closed. Then I couldn't go to work on Saturday, which pissed me off a bit. Sunday I was snowed in then school was off again. 3 days of nothingness (as Friday I was out in ye olde city of about 15 miles away) and I don't know. Was it good? I suppose in a way it was. A LOT.

I needed that break away from stress, that's true. But how many people contacted me first, considering the amount of friends I supposedly had? Let me check my phone hurr

oh my friend has replied to my text on Twitter. Basically I was going to go onto this later but as part of my escape from reality and loneliness, I immersed myself in Fanfiction. It's great, but I chose Finnick/Annie from the lovely sadist Suzanne Collins. And my heart died a little bit each time a Finnick death scene was created and I had so many feelings. I love the idea of Finnick and Annie. There's this guy with outstanding looks and personality and everyone at the Capitol falling at his feet and he chooses Annie. Poor, insane Annie. Driven mad by the Games she was in. Through her nightmares he holds her and tells her everything is okay and loves her unconditionally. It's absolutely beautiful, it's so, so beautiful. It makes me want to tear up. I know it's fictional. I don't even care. I'm tearing up even now oh why oh why oh why

So I basically sent these texts to my friend because she loves Hunger Games more than me: 

Well earlier on I went 'I MADE A FANNIE [Finnick/Annie] STORY WHERE FINNICK TRIES TO BE NICE BEFORE GETTING TOGETHER WITH HER ON SIMS BUT SHE FUCKING SETS ON FIRE RIGHT AND HE'D RATHER PUNCH RICHIE STRIKER'S FACE IN THAN SAVE HER SO SHE PERISHES OKAY NOT FUNNY FUCKING FINNICK ODAIR NOT PLAYING BY MY FUCKING RULES'

'I FEEL LIKE SNOW. HE MUST BE PUNISHED FOR NOT BOWING TO MY WISHES'

'IT'S A GOOD FUCKING JOB I ONLY MADE 12 HOURS' PROGRESS'

'AAAAAAAH'

then at 7:50, and now it's 8:34

'I hate my life'

'I just do, I've finished like my 10th Fannie fic and I just want to cry even though Finnick lived and you're going to have to hold my hand when he dies *friend's name* I just can't I'm just gonna break down okay'

'The feels omg the feels I need to stop reading I need to take a break from them they're tearing me apart'

'I wonder if Johanna and Gale would be better'

So I have a Johanna and Gale fic in another tab on my iPhone, erm. THEY DON'T DIE SO IT'S OKAY. Anyway, it's not as sweet. but they're good together.

I'm attached to my Harry Potter characters and my Hunger Games characters and my fucking Legolas and my fucking Hugh Laurie and every other book that has captured my heart and shattered it into a million pieces because their characters show this love that is just not obtainable in real life jesus H christ.

I had loads to write and I just.. I've lost all motivation. Sorry, I'll try post a bit more. Not that it matters as only one 'friend' knows about this and we no longer speak. For the best really, I pushed him away for a reason:):):)

xxxx C

Hey, look, it's been a month since my birthday!
Ooh that's quite nice. Walking in the daylight and well, it's not bad. Market setting up. People l, as expected, tired. It is not even 7:30am. It's nice. No chav people.
Getting a can of Pepsi max because.. well, why not? It's like my addiction:):)
Ooh just seen someone I don't like, huh, but he keeps out of my hair and I keep out of his. It's cool.
It's weird, in the month I've been 16, half of the days I've wanted to fly to the moon and half I've quite literally wanted to harm myself.
I don't have the guts.
The awkward moment where the guy you don't like stands next to you, erm, awkward silence
It's line of weird how I'm being semi-normal when I only go on here when I'm at my lowest points.
So another friend betrayed me this week. I just have the best set of friends, don't I?
I don't think I mentioned this part before in my last post: my best friend started going out with my ex. Well, shit, okay. Thanks for asking bby xx
Trying not to hold grudges, call me a slightly better person, idk
Then alcohol entered my coherent thoughts for the second time this month and I ended up doing a fairly stupid thing with a guy I see as my brother.
In my humour-filled banter with the friend whose house I slept at, I ended up telling her (although I told her when I was drunk and she swapped it with another dark secret)
And I told my other best friend. After my first best friend's betrayal, should've known better.
Because I wouldn't tell my best friend the first friend's secret, apparently that gives her the right to tell every single fucking person my secret.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
AND I STILL MANAGE TO GET BLAMED.
aaaaaah what is life.
:):):) gonna go, I think I'll pop back on later because I'm not done ranting
- C x

Oh I just.. 

Typing on my computer again. I suppose this is where I go when I have absolutely, absolutely no options.

I mean, this time last week, I went to Mr. Davis and asked if I could talk to him. He kind of looked at me like 'Why me?' and told me in a rush to come up on a lunchtime or something.

So I've even lost him, which is sort of kind of depressing. He really helped me last time.. and I kind of needed him.

The past couple of weeks have been tough. One moment I'll feel the most content I've ever been, then the next I'll be completely lost.

On the plus side, however, my parents aren't being as insufferable. They were lovely for my birthday, treating me with stuff and taking me to London:') that was really sweet.

Unfortunately, I've kind of self destructed inside now. See, just a day after my birthday, my life was literally complete. I finally met this guy, who wouldn't hurt me, that made me feel this light hearted, happy feeling that I hadn't felt in a long time.

It lasted 4 days.

Go me.

I'm not going to lie, he was out of my league. And he was so sweet and cute, and that's the problem. Even though we practically broke up because of the fact it was better to be friends than anything more, it reminded me of what I was missing out on. This proper boyfriend, this.. thing that was unobtainable. This thing I would never deserve to have. The person who could laugh with me, understand my obsessions and crazy feelings and hug me tight when I need it and just do the general sweet stuff. Like, the guy I was with told me to bring Harry Potter over to watch at his asdfghjkl when I heard that; honestly.. then he gave me his hoodie, it was like oh. I still have it in my room and he still has my DVDs. Not sure how I feel about that:/

But basically, what I'm doing is quite self destructive. I'm flirting, really, really, a lot. With every other guy. I don't know? I feel loved? Whatever fucked up, stupid, STUPID reason I have for it. Some guy I met when I was drunk (forgetting. Saturday.) who I would not even find attractive but is a laugh to talk to, a guy I used to be best friends with and now has a girlfriend, a couple of others. It's horrible, absolutely awful. And my friends front is nearly as bad.

Including myself, everyone is so wrapped in THEIR problems that they don't notice someone else is suffering. There's only so many people you can fail to send to counselling before the pressure of that gets to you and you just don't know what to do for them anymore.

Truth is.. I'm just exhausted. I'll get better.

Well, that's what I tell myself hahahahaha. I tell different people different things but I don't have one particular person I can trust. You know why? Because you get -fucked over-. I have a friend, kind of a brother really, called James. He says he makes sure he has something on someone before trusting them so if they fuck you over you can fuck them over 10x worse. I just.. I'm sick of getting hurt, that's all.

Surprisingly I haven't cried this time. But I'm trying to distance myself from those people who have hurt me the most. I refuse to get dragged down again. Not anymore. I've had enough now. I'll probably still cry at night over things I can't control and feel sick to my stomach but I'll keep going. And alcohol.

Peace.

- C x

Oh I don't even. This is my first blog post of the year and I had to wait until extreme measures to use it. I swear I've cried about 100+ times since I updated this blog for various reasons. Mainly parents, insert awful word here. However, this one cut deep. Maybe I'm just a terrible person who deserves to be shot. I guess in retrospect it doesn't take a whole lot to make me cry but this took the cake I guess. I had a fight. A fight mainly led by my ex, a fight that I blame myself for as I tried to be apologetic for once in my entire fucking selfish life and it gets thrown in my face. I don't know. It's not like I blame him, I've been pretty mean. But that's not been to do with him! Like short answers and the like. I need to get out and forget more because this cannot be healthy and I just don't know, not have any idea how to remedy it. He's obviously better off without me, but HE'S DONE WRONG TOO. And that's what hurts me most because sometimes HE CAN ONLY CONSIDER HIS FEELINGS and I'm left with the guilt. And the blame. So I guess I'm extremely upset and mad. Even my new bbm friend can't help me. God, I feel sick. School, like I fucking want to go to this place. I want to curl up in bed. I'd have self harmed last night if I had the guts. It was not nice.

Wow I am angry. All I hear is 'I feel shit. My life is so hard' off absolutely everyone and I think, what about me? What about what I'm like? I'm trying to support you the best I can but I can barely support myself. I have this raging cough and nobody actually gives a shit I've noticed. So much to do in such little time, it's a wonder I've not started crying yet. Even my slight stone heart can't take much of this. I've tried to grow up, I swear, I get people are worse and need me to save them. I just need to save myself too.. and I can't.

I don't know what to say anymore.

I feel like I've got into a sort of rut.. 

I feel so so so guilty doing this as a) so many of my friends are borderline suicidal, self harming, stressing their hair out and have PROPER problems.. but I'm just being backed into a corner.

There's just so much work. So much work to do.. right now, the bare minimum I need to do are 10 huge German questions.. or 15.. or 20.. I can't remember. But it's a hell of a lot of work. And a Biology report I need to write up.

I'm meant to be going to bed in like 45 minutes..

I'm just going to recall the latest events. Friday night, it was quite good. I went to see a work colleague performing and seeing a 60-year-old in a ballgown is quite funny really:')

I ended up sleeping at my grandma's and I love that woman to bits. I'm getting a bit emotional writing even NOW. Christ.. I'm so used to doing stuff for everyone else and she's offering to make breakfast, I said no, it's fine thanks, I'll do it. She's downstairs when I get up with a cup of tea. She didn't get the sugars right but I didn't even care. She said 'Tea one?' and I just nodded and said thanks. It was so damn sweet (actually crying) as I'm just used to making tea/coffee for everyone on a daily fucking basis without so much as a thanks. It's just such a nice change for once to not have anything expected of you. She even let me use her hairdryer + GHD straighteners and the awesome shower which spurts from the ceiling so it drops straight down on you and it's awesome.

But, yeah. Went to work as per usual, I ended up wearing 3 pairs of socks xD don't ask why. So my feet didn't hurt. They ended up letting me go early and that was great as I had to be at my friend's party. Saturday part 1 much?

The bonfire was tbh quite shit. We went in, about 15 of us, cost a fiver entry alone and we stayed for about an hour, watched fireworks which were too loud then went home. Wow. Then going to hers was more fun you know? I LOVE being with my friends just messing around, we were playing loads of games and stuff. Then me and Karen left early as I said I was going to meet a friend of mine in uni (who I've realised has the potential to read this oshit chances are he won't, if he does then hai. Uhm. I'm going to go into detail here) so I did. He showed up late, pshht, so Karen was waiting and laughing. We saw this couple in our year so it makes me wonder if they're going to question the guy I was with on Monday.

So we were walking laughing and chatting, he bought me this like.. strawberry and cream drink, which I ended up not even liking, lol. Thank god uni kids will drink anything. We put on LOTR (as he gasped upon learning that I'd never seen it) and laughed because it kept pausing and skipping and everything lols, played a drinking game (I had by then switched to vodka and coke, mmmm) and I laughed. I kept hitting on my friend's guy friend as a joke and he thought that because I was at his house that we were having sex -.- er, no.

Needless to say, drunk is drunk. We ended up like being close.. not romantically really or anything. It just seemed nice and a lot of hugging was shared.. although tbh I didn't know the guy as much as I should've. And well.. waking up in the morning, I feel shite after I drink as it is [not a hangover. I dunno what it is] We had to get up for early for a house viewing and I dunno.. it just seemed a little more awkward. Probably because we were both suffering from our versions of hangovers and nothing was open, I ended up leaving town quite early. Seeing my brother's fiance in McDonalds whilst getting a drink fml

But I'm figuring now.. I dunno what to think. I like to think I don't get enough physical attention. I don't mean like sex, there is more to life than that for fuck sake, it's just.. knowing someone's there to take you in their arms. It's comforting.. but I guess I'm not used to it so now I've been so scared. Everything about it felt wrong in hindsight .. well not wrong, well sort of, more weird. It was quite an unusual experience but I doubt I'd ever do it again.. it's part of my insecurity I guess. I feel kinda crap as nobody would get this. I ended up getting home and falling asleep about quarter to 1 and having 4 hours' sleep to make up for what I ended up not having.. 

I can't explain it. I just feel sad now. I feel so depressed and isolated. I guess it reminds me that I don't have anyone particularly special anymore, not really, and is it just alcohol that allows people to get close only for me to regret it and feel worse? 

oh. guy I like inboxed me 10 mins ago but I was too immersed in the blog. Weird. Anyway, I'm gonna leave it there. Best get started on my German.

ever confused.

-C xx

I'm withh like 8 of my friends rig now but I felt compelled to blog. Like, so much. A fly has been buzzing and so has my mind. I had a great day until the train station, the night and tiredness makes me cave.
More later.
C x